75 Causes of Anger in Children

75 Reasons Behind Your Child’s Anger

Heather Thomas Anger Management 8 Comments

“I don’t know how you do it.” <- A phrase I often hear after responding to a call to help an angry child who is throwing desks across the room or displaying some other type of aggressive behavior.

The answer is simple: It’s not personal.

As long as care is taken to not aggravate their emotional response (i.e. confrontation, condescending attitude, sarcasm, etc.), I know that students are not mad at me. I am only seeing their reaction to something else they are experiencing. So what’s causing them to be angry?

While some misbehavior may be due to negative attention seeking, full-blown fits of rage are not due to personality clashes nor are they a result of boredom. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, anger is a secondary emotion.

There are a few reasons why anger is a secondary emotion.

  • Anger is an acceptable emotion in American culture. Aggression and violence are everywhere: television, music, toys, and of course video games.
  • More importantly, anger can be used as a shield to protect us from emotional distress, due to the endorphins released from our nervous system and the physical/emotional distance it puts between us and others.

The poster, Managing Your Anger: What’s Behind It, does a great job showing some of the primary emotions that are masked by anger.

According to behavior modification therapy, behavior change happens if we change the antecedent (what comes before) or the consequence (what happens immediately after the behavior). Since anger is a result of primary emotions, we need to address the antecedent or cause of that emotion.

I’ve created the following list of possible areas to explore when helping an angry child:

Sadness:

1. Parents arguing

2. Best friend moving

3. No one to play with

4. Divorce

5. Death

6. Change is schools

7. Parent deployment

8. Parent works long hours

Fear:

9. Worry about having enough to eat

10. Worry about having housing/heat/water

11. Sick parent or family member

12. Personal illness

13. Fear of being the victim of physical/emotional/sexual abuse

14. Fear of a family member being the victim of physical/emotional/sexual abuse

15. Loved one performing a dangerous job (military, police, firefighter, etc.)

16. Worry about not having enough money to pay bills or participate in activities

Frustration:

17. Low academic performance

18. Underdeveloped social skills

19. Physical development/ability

20. Speech impairment

21. Comparison to high-achieving siblings

22. Sense of lack of control

Guilt:

23. Sexual abuse victimization

24. Let someone down

25. Feelings of responsibility for a divorce

26. Feelings of responsibility for a death

27. Hurt someone (emotionally or physically)

28. Failure to follow directions

Disappointment:

29. Didn’t get invited to a party

30. Didn’t get chosen for a group activity

31. Didn’t make the team

32. Didn’t win the game

33. Poor grades

34. Parent breaks a promise

35. Family plans change

36. Financial limitations

Worry ( a preoccupation of thoughts):

37. Basic needs (food, shelter, health, etc., )

38. Family substance use

39. Family mental health

40. Incarceration/legal matters (self or family)

41. Violence

42. Bullying

43. Uncertainty

Embarrassment:

44. Social – in front of peer group

45. Physical/Looks

46. Feeling “stupid”

47. Feeling “worthless”

48. Awkwardness in social situations/low social skills

49. Verbal gaffe

Jealousy:

50. Friendships – friends of friends

51. Sibling(s)

52. Classmate(s)

53. Parents’ time/attention

54. Significant other

55. Possessions

56. Social status

Hurt:

57. Abandonment

58. Preferred sibling

59. Breakup of a friendship

60. Boyfriend/Girlfriend break-up

61. Rejection

62. Peer betrayal

63. Family betrayal

Anxiety:

64. Inconsistency

65. Poor boundaries

66. Social pressure

67. Personal expectations

68. School performance

69. Biological – anxiety disorders

Shame:

70. Low academic ability

71. Inability to meet the expectations of others

72. Abuse (emotional/physical/sexual)

73. Substance abuse (self or family)

74. Previous disciplinary actions

75. Inability to control behavior

Knowing what’s behind the anger is a great place to start. Be sure to check out 10 Great Books to Help an Angry Child and 35 Simple Ways to Help Angry Children.

 

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